The BYU Cougars had only themselves to blame after a devastating 113-103 loss to their heathen rivals Weber State on Saturday. Junior guard Nick Emery revealed in the postgame press conference that the team had inexplicably forgotten to praise our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, in the traditional pregame prayer.
“I’m not surprised at all that we lost,” Emery said to the assembled reporters. “How can we expect to be victorious on the hardwood battlefield without first asking for the blessing of Our Sweet Heavenly Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
“I basically quit trying once I realized we had forgotten our most sacred and vital pregame routine,” he said.
Other Cougars admitted they could not overcome the enormous distraction that came without playing under a veil of heavenly security. “I’m surprised I didn’t tear my ACL tonight,” opined junior big man Yoeli Childs. “Or at least, you know, pull a hammie.
“After all,” he continued, “how can we expect to win a basketball game without the love, support, and impeccable shot selection of Our Dear Sweet Heavenly Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus the King?”
BYU was unable to point to a single culprit for this shocking display of pregame neglect. Head coach Dave Rose placed the blame squarely on his own shoulders, saying the “buck stops” with him.
“Ultimately, it’s my job to get these kids ready to play each night,” Rose said in a solemn postgame statement. “How could I expect our boys to win without the guidance, support, and amazing defensive acuity of Our One and Only Dear Sweet Heavenly Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords?”
The Cougars promised that their pregame forgetfulness would not follow the team forward, and that from now on they would be losing primarily due to their own substandard play.